Back to Basics | Identity | Esteem | Worth

Every self-help book I have picked in the past, whether on redesigning my life or goal setting, has always presented the same problem. Activities like listing my accomplishments, noting what I like about myself, practicing self-love, or making vision boards were supposed to make me feel better or help me with self-acceptance. Instead, they just widened the void and left me feeling more of a wreck than I was before.

All these studies are of value, no doubt. Surveys and scientific endeavors back their research. But all this rests on a very fragile base. I have come to realize that my own basics weren’t there at all. The intention beneath was shallow and didn’t resonate with the truth.

We can improve an already built infrastructure or perhaps restructure it, given the base is intact. My problem was that I never had the base. Trying to build a persona that isn’t really me, got me in an emotional hurricane; I never knew who I was, to begin with. The philosophy to base my worth or to derive my esteem from, the very roots were missing.

Where do we start this project of “Building oneself” when we have to start from the very scratch?

Getting back to Basics- WHO AM I?

A question that seems at this point a Cliche. But really who are you?

Your name? your age? identity? your skin color? the brands you wear? the materialistic possessions you own? your career? your salary?

Of all the answers I have seen people come up with, The one that really struck me was We are a Gift of God. As simple as that. Nothing out of the sky, no rocket science, just as is. A GIFT OF GOD.

Let’s look at it from an Islamic perspective, going back to before we were born.

Trajectory of Humanity

This story of ours begins with us being in Tasawur(Conception) of God- the Mighty. Allah thought of us, thought of you and me with purpose, intention and a solid decision- nothing in God’s plan is coincidental. And after a certain time, with God’s KUN (Be), we were created as spirits (no bodies yet). We resided in another realm, The Realm of Souls ( Alam-e-Arwah).

This moment holds profound significance, a time when God elevated us to a divine dialogue, granting us direct communion with Him. Imagine standing in Allah’s court, each of us questioned individually:

“O people, what do you desire? ONLY Dunya (this world) or Jannah (Eternal Afterlife)?”

Among us, some opted solely for the world’s riches, forsaking the hereafter. Others, wise and foresighted, chose Jannah, the eternal paradise. But among them stood a unique group, daring to ask for both. “O Allah, we want both this Dunya and Jannah in the afterlife,” they proclaimed.

And thus, humanity was divided into three:

• Those who sought Dunya alone (People of hell)
• Those who aspired solely for Akhira (People of paradise)
• And those who dared to dream of both (Condition*)

To this last group, Allah proposed a condition: they would enter heaven only if they took on the responsibility of guiding some from the Dunya group to Jannah.

Allah granted each what they desired. For those who craved Dunya’s allure, He promised worldly riches—wealth, fame, power—knowing there was no place for them in the next life. Yet, in His infinite mercy, Allah left the gates of heaven ajar. Despite their choice, if they ever wished to embrace the afterlife, Allah would welcome them with open arms.

As for the third group, this is where I believe I belong, where my definitive choice lies. At that sacred moment, though now forgotten, we made a promise to Allah to fulfill the condition by declaring our methodology—what we call our “life purpose.” We pledged to earn Allah’s grace, His Jannah, by guiding those who chose the world back to the right path through a specific task. Thus, we implored: “Ya Allah, grant me this, so I may fulfill my purpose in Dunya.” And in Alam-e-Arwah, Allah granted you and me what we asked for.

He granted us our body shape, size, teeth alignment, skin color, interests, talents, family lineage, circumstances, and the era to be born in—all that we requested to fulfill our commitment with Allah. We knew ourselves so well; we understood that if we were made billionaires, we might stray from our purpose, or if given excessive beauty, it might become a hindrance. Hence, everything we possess in this world right now is what we asked for. Allah granted us, knowing what would help us fulfill our promises.

Finally, after a predestined time, our souls were sent down to Earth, incorporated into bodies perfectly suited to the era, age, and circumstances we had agreed upon. Allah’s promise unfolded as planned, yet unfortunately, we forgot our part of the deal.

We arrived with all the resources and situations necessary to fulfill our commitments, but we lost sight of our purpose. Everything seemed meaningless. Some resorted to drastic measures, losing hope. We, the divine gifts of God, began to treat our lives as burdens, forgetting their inherent worth.

As we moved through life, unaware of our divine agreement, resentment grew. We failed to recognize the guiding hands of circumstance meant to lead us to our purpose. Instead, we felt lost, disconnected, and purposeless, despite being precisely where we had agreed to be.

And if by now you cannot tell, this shift of lens is where our distorted identity comes from, and hence the shattered self-esteem we face today.

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With the reality intact, let’s look at what went wrong.

What Went Wrong – The Shattered Esteem

Lost Purpose– The very first blunder we did was turning blind eye to the scriptures prophets of Allah brought, to the message they kept on delivering- reminding us of the pact we made. It all became tales and stories and for some, just a message so sacred to be decorated on shelves. Based on our Fitrah (Nature), what we were meant to do, instead of taking from God himself, we turned to people. To fill the void inside, we began looking at the creation for answers and when we couldn’t find the right answers, we got tempted into pleasures to avoid the feeling of hollowness inside eating us, even if it meant for some time. We forgot the afterlife altogether- The root of all problems I’d say. We forgot Allah himself.

Altered Gyroscope-And with no connection with God, forgetting our trajectory, given our natural design, we were drawn to, we longed for a yardstick to measure ourselves with. No God in sight, hence we adopted the ones made by creation. We made it ourselves- we looked at the societies around, the world around- saw who was influencing and dominating- whom we aspired to, who came as powerful, we made them our anchor.

Everyone having different experiences made different hierarchy models and placed themselves in it, locating, and positioning ready to begin the status game. This hierarchy game is in our nature, However, keep in mind the gyroscope here is altered/ malfunctioning.

Now this gave rise to the most destructive root cause that completely destroys our self-esteem:

The Comparison Matrix: we made our gyroscope ourselves, we made the pointers and directions in the hierarchy we chose ourselves. and now the game begins.

We sold our image in the sight of Allah to the image in the sight of creation. Now instead of just getting validated by the One lord (who actually matters), we began asking rather begged for approval from people- 8.1 Billion of them, everywhere, every time, in whatever way possible. Companies shunned the idea of average, natural whatever we were, how we were created. Magazine covers and Television advertisements and cereal manufacturers dictated, the business operators dictated, rather benchmarked if you are not of this particular size, quality, quantity, skin tone, features, thickness, color, voice, talk, walk, career, if you are not “so-called special” “so-called unique” that is if you are not “like-us” (the ones dictating), you are not valuable, you are not significant, you are inferior. we don’t approve of you. and hence with this predicament, we moved on in the race to get their approval.

• Money. The more close to being a billionaire- the better. This is the yardstick we tend to decide who to marry, who to associate with. And hence the advice: Fake it till you make it. We got in a race of acquiring the possessions- our status symbol, our money level, that dictate how much respect we will get, topping the race, getting on top and flaunting to the ones beneath who too are in constant race. The brands, the cars, the clothes, the retaurants- we call it HIGH-CLASS. When our position in the hierarchy is low, our esteem takes a hit- it shatters. when we reach a higher level, a step up, our esteem gets better, but not for long, for we are quick to see the never ending trail that sits on top. Hence eternal stress and eternal distress become our fate.

• Beauty: The more beautiful you are, the higher your rank, The better your esteem, The more confidence you project and sadly the more respect you get in society. Natural beauty or average Beauty is no longer on charts. It’s out of the hierarchy ladder now. The Kardashians leading the bar, you have to have plastics in your body, fake hairs, nails, and now even altered surgical heights and all features. There is no end to this. Even if the Lord made you pretty, you won’t be happy with it, because that one thing is missing, remove the mole, add in the freckles. All chasing something and hence never happy. A blow to our esteem every time we see anyone who takes one step into the world’s beauty standards or you fall from them. Till when can you keep up tho?

• Success/ accomplishments: A horse can never compete with a fish. nor all horses top the race. they are not meant to nor are we humans. This race of proving ” I am unique”, “I am special”, proving to be someone out of the box even if it means at the expense of others- that’s what’s going on. Success radar has been set up. This world, this life, materialistic gains, a set amount of money or that big house, those brands. that’s a success- if you have it, welcome to the gang. If you do not, you are simply a loser, not deserving of respect.

These comparisons are never-ending, you name it. they’re everywhere.

What do you own? The dress you wore? All superficial and shallow stuff is where we have associated our esteem and worth in, it gets shattered, and it is prone to get shatter that easily – there’s no wonder in that, Now is there?

Mending the Esteem

We have seen what went wrong. Now What to do about it? how to fix the very direction and root? the yardstick?

Identify Your anchor: The reference you measure yourself with, its high time, you shift it from the circle of creation to the circle of creator. Engrave on your soul, you chose both the worlds, you have to go to the next world. This trajectory journey which is yet pending is essential as much as where you came from. When the yardstick is Allah, the questions change from :

• how will so and so perceive me?
• what will so and so think of me?

You narrow down simply to 1 single question:

• How will Allah see me? Thats it !

Setting Lord as your anchor sets you free, liberates you from this comparison crap hole, which is a bottom-less pit- no way to get out of. If you are good in the sight of Allah, you don’t need any validation from anyone, from any of the 8.1 Billion people residing on the face of this planet. Their opinions won’t matter. If you are any less pretty, with any less money or status or popularity – your esteem won’t be affected at all. Anchoring your worth and value in your lord prevents you from getting in this shallow game at the very outset.

The reference point has to be Allah – Does He like me? Do I qualify in His sight?

Validation if you are seeking from creation- not only your self-esteem will be shattered, worse shallowness, hollowness will haunt you till your very end. People always seek validation from others to increase t- that never works! they will never give it to you. When you place your value in creation’s hands, they’ll play you like a football.

You can’t believe in God if you get into this crap cycle. Validation from God liberates you literally from all creation’s shackles.

Realize the bigger game – we can’t truly compare ourselves when we understand the larger picture. Bill Gates wouldn’t be admired as much if he were born in a different era where money wasn’t a status symbol, or if he never had the idea for Microsoft in the first place. Let’s keep everything constant and consider time as the variable. If he had been late to his pitch, if he never encountered those specific circumstances, mentors, people, or acquaintances in his life – even if just 1% of things were different, he wouldn’t be Bill Gates, and Windows might never have come into existence. Was this within his control? Not completely.

Consider your nervous system now. The autonomic nervous system – 99.9% automated, governing breathing, digestion, blood circulation – all beyond conscious control. The parasympathetic nervous system – 99.9% under limbic control (governed by emotions), with just 1% cortex influence (Your Conscious control), and even then, the limbic sway persists. You can’t compare yourself with others because in the grand scheme, control eludes us. Even if we mimicked Bill Gates exactly – speech, mannerisms, IQ – no one else could be him; timing, era, people, circumstances, brain chemistry – it’s all part of the bigger equation. Realize there’s a greater force at work. Be grateful for what you have and use it as intended. Comparison steals away your essence.

Practice Gratefulness:

If you can’t afford to dine in fancy restaurants your friend posted pictures of, you can say: “Ya Allah, I am grateful that I at least have food on my table. There are people in other parts of the world who don’t even have access to clean water, let alone food. I am grateful, Ya Allah, that I go to bed with a full stomach, while there are children starving on the streets.” This shifts your perspective, making you feel blessed and boosting your self-esteem.

And what’s more? A guiding principle from the Hadith of the Prophetﷺ: In matters of worldly affairs, look at those below you to cultivate gratitude; in matters of faith, look at those above you to strive for greater deeds.

Allah made a promise. Allah says in the Quran, “I will give you more if you are grateful,” and conversely, “If you are ungrateful, I will give you more to be ungrateful for.”

Make it a law to live by: Whatever in life, gratitude is not just a practice but a commitment to oneself that you will never break. On the flip side:

Stop romanticizing the sufferings you’ve endured. Don’t dwell on them. They were necessary to realign you with your purpose, the commitment you made. These trials were lessons you wouldn’t have learned otherwise. Regardless of what you’ve been through, you don’t need to share it with others to validate what you’re saying. Allah knows, and you know, and that’s enough. you don’t have to relive and rehash. Alhamdulillah for how far you’ve come. No anecdotes needed. Recognize where you are, look forward to getting out – there’s no point in romanticizing the martyrdom. That’s contrary to gratitude; it’s the opposite. And you know the formula: gratitude equals abundance. Don’t jeopardize it. Even dwelling on it takes a toll on your self-esteem.

The Right Hierachy

Allah established the Hierarchy: He doesn’t look at faces or beauty; He looks at your heart. The most successful is the one with the most Taqwa (God-consciousness). Success must be reverse-engineered from the Hereafter because this world is transient; we are passing through. Real success is earning Allah’s grace, fulfilling the commitment we made, or even dying in its pursuit, earning Jannah by Allah’s grace. This is the benchmark we base our actions on.

Hierarchy placement is inherent; it’s built into our chemistry. Once your gyroscope is set, your anchor is in your Lord, not in creation. You are liberated from the shackles of the world, remembering your trajectory. It’s time to start the journey towards remembering your purpose, the commitment you made in the realm of souls. Everyone tries to find their purpose and to it, Everyone has a unique answer.

I remember one sentence from a teacher that stuck with me: “Whatever comes easy to you, as your second nature, is where your path lies.” Remember our deal with the Lord; we asked for certain things to help us with our purpose. Put everything you have – skills, interests, circumstances – on paper and see what you can do with it. Devise your purpose. Listen to your heart.

I took this from Zaryab Hashmi’s lecture; he advocated that true purpose must meet three indicators:

1. Your purpose must be bigger than your life. Even if death comes, your purpose stays alive. You will embrace death with happiness. Purpose must depict that you have come all the way from heaven to fulfill it.
2. The Purpose must fall within two pillars: the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet (SAW).
3. The purpose must be selfless. You shouldn’t gain anything from it, nor should your immediate family or kids. The gain should benefit the next generations. Think about the next 100 years, the next 2/3 generations.

Once your purpose is defined, you select your domain, the category where your purpose aligns. This hierarchical structure is deeply ingrained in our pursuit of fulfillment, rooted in the rewards of serotonin. Therefore, it’s essential, even an obligation to your self-esteem, that you position yourself atop the hierarchy within your domain.

To influence students, you must excel as a teacher. To impact hearts and minds with your writing, you must master the craft of writing. To raise exceptional children, you must strive to be an exceptional parent. Whatever your domain for effecting change, for making the world a better place, striving for excellence is non-negotiable.

Competence is the cornerstone of excellence. Thus, it is your purpose’s right, your commitment’s prerogative, to develop the competence necessary to positively influence the world, alleviate suffering, and tackle the challenges humanity faces.

Define Your Fascination Currency

Once your purpose is clear, your self-esteem aligns, and your gyroscope points toward the divine. Then, every decision you make, every choice you take, reflects whether you are staying true to your purpose or not.

The crucial factor to establish is what fascinates you. If it’s anything worldly – respect, status, money, or the approval of others – your gyroscope is off-kilter. You’re seeking validation from people, and your fascination currency is misplaced.

The power lies in recognizing this influence, especially for parents. Whatever fascinates them gets passed down to their children. This influence can be detrimental if it contradicts the true purpose. For instance, setting a rule like “No talk of brands in this house” devalues the fascination currency attached to material things. It sets the standards right, ensuring that what you value aligns with your purpose.

Because whatever you hold dear, if it’s attacked, it directly affects your self-esteem and, subconsciously, influences your children as well

Arrogance vs Self-esteem

There is a fine line between arrogance and self-respect.

A companion once asked Rasool Allah ﷺ: Is wearing good clothes and having good possessions arrogance? Rasool Allahﷺ said: No, it is Not. Considering another being less than you is arrogance.

Being arrogant doesn’t equate to having high self-esteem. True self-esteem involves honoring the status bestowed upon us by Allah, guiding it with the right intentions and gratitude, while continuously striving for progress and competence in fulfilling our purpose. When we deviate from this standard, our self-esteem can fracture, leaving us vulnerable to the arbitrary judgments of others, which often lead to a never-ending cycle of distress.

Others Esteem

Indeed, Allah understands the significance of reputation to people, which is why He sanctified it. He forbade harming another person’s esteem, equating it to a grievous offense. Backbiting, for example, is likened to consuming the flesh of one’s dead brother, emphasizing the severity of its consequences.

The punishment for slander and harming someone’s reputation is severe; it can render someone unable to face the world with dignity. On the Day of Judgment, one won’t be able to show their face in front of Allah. Such is the gravity of the situation that Allah made the honor and dignity of people sacred and protected.

Conclusion

• Is it important to feel beautiful, or is it more crucial how others perceive us?
• Should we care more about others thinking we are happy, or about genuinely being happy ourselves?

The primary concern should be how Allah sees us, not what people say. If people praise our beauty, the first reaction should be gratitude to Allah, not seeking validation from others.

“I have attained Your love, Allah, then all else doesn’t matter. All else is dust.” This sense of security and contentment comes from realizing Allah’s love and acceptance.

As the French girl said, “If being beautiful in the sight of the Creator means being ugly in the sight of creation, then that is worth it!” This mindset is empowering. Embrace your differences, respect yourself, and others will respect you too. Don’t just accept your flaws; embrace them, for they are part of what makes you unique.

Rumi’s statement, “Live as if the whole world is rigged in Your favor,” now makes perfect sense to me.

It signifies living with a profound sense of gratitude and trust in Allah’s plan. Despite life’s challenges, believing that everything is working in our favor, orchestrated by the wisdom of the Creator, transforms our perspective. Being resentful for what we’ve been given is indeed ingratitude to the Lord of the universe.

It’s about acknowledging that even in difficult times, there’s a greater purpose at play, and every experience, whether joyous or challenging, is ultimately for our benefit.